Life is a bitch, then you'll die

2004-03-18T10:40:00.000+08:00

Life is great. Life is beautiful. It is all about fairness. It is about consequences. I hate people and they hate me.

I built a shell and live in it comfortably. It started a while back, at the time when I really need a vacation but didn't have cents to spare. I needed to get away from the nags, the cuts and the bullshits. Everything has a smell. It stinks my big nose, So what should I do since suicide is for drama queen? I built a shell and live in it comfortably.

2003-12-17T16:10:00.000+08:00

Thank you Mr. Murakami, thank you Sheep-Man, thank you Bangkok... It's been great!
I bid you all farewell and good luck...

I think I left at the right time. I spent the whole day, today, sitting around the Khaosan Road, drinking coffee, one after the other. Reading, listening to music, checking out the crowd. I had about 6 hours to kill here. Fortunately, by this time I have learnt how to pass the time just by myself.

Anyway, like everyday else, Khaosan was packed with people. I spotted some familiar faces amongst the new comers. While browsing through the crowd, I noticed this amazing looking guy getting a table beside mine. He was tall, dark, paired with heavenly body. He could have been a hawaiian or a Samoan. Before long, I caught myself checking him out from time to time. So I thought to myself, "Great! I found a something to do for the next 20 minutes or so'.

Suddenly, he stood up and yelled out a name. He must have seen someone he knew passing by, I thought. I was right. The guy he was calling for appeared to be this old white guy with a funny hat and a walking stick. Anyway, the white guy sat down with him and they started to chatted with each other. By this time, I was really curious about what's the connection between both of them. So I turn the volume from my discman down and started to stick my ears to the conversation. They were talking about normal stuff, like why are you still here? Bla bla bla. Not a very interesting subject I thought.

Before long, I somehow overheard the old guy talking about himself. How he's been in bangkok for long time and how he still couldn't get any works or incomes somehow. He thought he was facing a dead end at the point of his life. Then, he continued on about one of his friend is coming to visit. Not a very close friend or something. Just someone he used to go out and party with. "It's not like it will do me any good or something," he added. "He might think I've got shit load of money here and start asking me to pay for stuff." He stopped for a bit, looked like he's thinking something. "Well, he has a mobile phone..." He stopped again. "Like that's gonna contribute to anything". Paused. "Well, you never know." The whole time, georgous guy just let him talk. At this point, I started to lose interests on the talk. I thought to myself, this is kinda scary and a bit too much for me. I turned on the volume of the discman again and continued my reading. I even lost interest on the geourgous guy already.

Few hours passed and I was still sat comfortably on the same spot. These two guys (looks like Italian or French, couldn't really figure out), from accross the table were talking really loud. One of them started to take out all the colourful plastic junk from his plastic bag. Both of them were giggling and stuff. They seemed like they were amused by it. After everything were out, they started to somehow analyzing the junks. Weird, I thought, and they were laughing and giggling like kids.

Then something struck me right there. Is this what happen to people after they have been in foreign countries for too long?

2003-12-12T18:22:00.000+08:00

The trip out from Koh Phangan was kinda crazy. Took a boat ride from Koh Phangan to Suratthani (a small boat) and just before we took off, the rain just poured like mad suddenly. So needless to say, the boat went mental. People were vomitting everywhere. It was not a very pleasant view.

After two hours of 'rollercoaster' ride, we made it to suratthani but we had to wait for another 3 or 4 hours before the our bus came to pick us. Anyway, about 12 hours later, I arrived in bangkok. The minute I stepped out from the bus, I got kissed by a katoey. Man, I couldn't stop laughing. I was in mess and real tired and that was the last thing I could expect. It was a weird, but I guess it's good weird. It might be just a way of Bangkok saying its welcome to me.

Anyway, I managed to check in to this small room at Khao san road. Hot water!! Thank Godness.. After the shower I felt like I could just go on for few days more. I rushed to get myself a cuppa, like always, I had it 'as long as midnight on the moonless night'. Man, I felt greatly relaxed. Sat there for probably a bit too long than I should, just checking out mass of people around me. It was probably around 9 in the morning, already the place is filled with so much activities. It was packed with foreigners, mostly backpackers. Some looked kinda lost, some just chilled and some looked bored. Prehaps they had been there for a while, trying to search for something new but again they failed. Well, what do you expect dude, it's Khaosan road you are in.

After finishing my third coffee, I decided to take a stroll around the area. Picked up this book at the second-hand stall. It's called 'Dance Dance Dance', by Haruki Murakami. From the first glance of it, I knew I have picked the right one.

I took a visit to some of the Wats around, doing the normal tourist thing. I stopped at Wat Pho for some massage. I didn't get the chance to have one back in Samui or Phangan (even though Marylin has reminded me to take advantage of it just before I left) It was a two hour great massage, worth every cents. They even offered me this supposedly very good for your health kinda herbal thingy which I didn't take since your whole body will turn yellow after. My aimlessly walk led me to Tha Chang. From there I took a boat ride along the Chao Phraya. Loved it. From here you can see the bangkok's riverside lives.

On the boat, finally I could get the chance to breath. It's been 4 days I think (I've been losing track with time and date since I took off. It is a pretty scary feeling at the start but it turns out to be real great after few days), since I took the ride from Pudu station. I was glad I made it this far. I was pretty sure I would get a very good night sleep tonight.

Welcome to the Advanced Capitalism (Bangkok)

On my second day in Bangkok, I took a ride on its so called sky-train. Man, I tell you, it was amazing. From here you get to see the view of the city around. Each and every corner of it are filled with tall buildings and heavy traffic, with tons of people surrounding them. It was a very different view of what I saw of Bangkok 6 years back, even though the air is still really heavy. I guess the sky-train actually made it an alright place to live in, even I still believe that it is still a waste.

'Waste is the highest virtue one can achieve in advanced capitalist society. If you put an end to all the waste, mass panic would ensue and the global economywould go haywire. Waste is the fuel of contradiction, and contradiction activates the economy, and an active economy creates more waste'. (Haruki Murakami)

Home Sweet Home

While sitting over a starbucks coffee with the enourmous bangkok's cbd view on the surrounding, I met this Thai girl, named Coy. A beautiful girl with charming smile. She looked bored while puffing away the ciggies. So I bought us another cups of coffee and stroke some conversation as for passing time. I didn't want to sound to eager and stuff. But it happened so that she is waiting for her boyfriend finishing work and his boyfriend (Sam) used to stayed in Indonesia (Jepara, specifically) for 2 years. She told me that he would be pleased to meet me since he's been dying to practice his indonesian again after this while. So I sat down with her, waiting for the boyfriend to appear. He turned out to be really nice, well, they seems like a good couple too. Anyway, the night goes on and we decided to get some beer and nibbles. So we moved on to the neighborhood bar. At this point, I could sense that Coy was getting a little bit bored? I don't really know if that's the right word to describe her feeling at that moment, but she sure looked a bit disinterested. Yeah, I couldn't really blame her since she hasn't got no clue about what we were talking about (What worse was Sam kept trying to speak Indonesian to me). After an hour or so, I decided that I had enough of this and I was glad to call it a night. So like always, you exchanged numbers and email address and all and bid farewell and get the fuck out of there.

I don't know why I'm writing this up since it was not the most interesting thing that happened to me on this trip. I guess, talking to Sam actually did make me think of home. Place where I know I'll be safe. Place I know plenty of people I can trust and depend on. Place I know I will be doing okay if I only want that much.

There were a lot of things going on my mind on my way back. Am I ready to go home? Do I still get excited in this insane, no end kinda loop I am in right now? Is there anything that I need to prove? I don't know.

What I knew was I have been very childish all this while. Extremely selfish at the same time. What I did was just take, take and take. Especially to those who love me. I was chasing something foolish. Something unsolid. Things I know I wouldn't be able to handle.

Dance My Child, Dance!

Back in my room, I decided to just rest my mind for a while. Putting on the soundtrack of Pulp Fiction on the discman to 'nina bobo' me to sleep. But my mind couldn't shut, it just spinned and spinned, kept wondering around thinking 'What's next? What's next after this?' Just right when it was getting tired and I felt ready to dooze off, I was hit by the lyric of the current song playing on my discman. 'Girl, you'll be a woman soon...' It was by Urge Overkill.

'Girl, you'll be a woman soon.'

That's it. That's what I need to be. That's what's next. Not to get a sex change or anything like that, eventhough I'm in bangkok right now (LOL). I need to grow up. Yeah. Growing up is what I need to pursue next. Some people grow when they hit their 20s, some even much earlier than that. Some takes their time, some takes forever. I belong to the latter group cos I hated the word 'adult'. I still do, in certain degree. But I don't have much choice right now, have I?

So, that's it! Growing up is what I'm going to do next. The more I thought of it, the less scarier it appeared. It didn't sound very negative anymore. It's not a bad thing, after all. While in the process of growing up, you still have choices to make. You choose your paths along the way, without knowing the future. Some will be good, some won't be so good. But it's okay! Its really okay, hey! Now I realise, being an adult doesn't mean that you have to compromise with things around you, the conditions surrounding you.

I am ready to take off. I am ready to take another challenge in my life. As what
Mr. Murakami once said "Dancedancedance. Dance, it'stheonlyway. Dance. Don'tthink. Dance. Danceyourbest, likeyourlifedependedonit. Yougottadance." That's what I'm gonna do. That's what I choose to do and I know I'll be okay. I have my rock and roll with me.

A year, another year from now and I will be more than what I am right now and I hope it will all be better. I can just hope but I'm not scared. In the mean time, I'm gonna shake my butt off. Dance! That's right. Dance. I gotta dance. As long as the music plays. I gotta dance. Don't even think why. Start to think and my feet will stop. My feet stop and I get stuck. So don't pay any mind, no matter how dumb. I got to keep the step. I got to limber up. I got to limber up. I got to loosen what I bolted down. I got to use all I got. I know I'll get tired eventually, tired and scared. But it happens to everyone, right? Just don't let my feet stop.

"Dancingiseverything. Danceintip-topform. Dancesoitallkeepsspinning. Ifyoudothat, wemightbeabletodosomethingforyou. Yougottadance. Aslongasthemusicplays," says the Sheep Man.

2003-12-10T12:03:00.000+08:00

Koh Phangan is much better than Koh Samui. Stayed in beautiful bungalow called Sunsea. Quiet and secluded, that's what I need. Went down to Had Rin for the full moon party. It was quite fun, apart from some of the bloody tourists (beautiful people with sad attitude). It's really quite appauling the way they treat the place and the people there. But then again, who am I to judge. Maybe the locals like it that way. Maybe it's true that the tourists have owned the place, or maybe there's just something wrong with me, LOL.

Anyway, in less than 15 minutes, I'll be heading down to Surathani. Guess what, I've decided to go further. Yeah, Bangkok is next. I don't have much expectation about this. It's just that I don't know why but I have this urge of keep going further and further. Maybe I have something to runaway from, I don't know. I'm not quite sure how long I'll be staying in bangkok. Maybe few days, maybe more. Or maybe I will go even further to Laos or something. I really don't know. The best part of this journey is I play it by the ear. I feel like I have a power to control myself and keep surprising myself.

Travelling alone has really opened up my eyes on some stuff.

2003-12-08T13:16:00.000+08:00

Whoooaaaa....
16 hours of road trip and finally arrived in sunny Koh Samui. It wasn't like I was expected it to be. Anyway, will be heading to Koh Phangan for the full moon party. Packed with ammunity and all. But I'm not too keen of that at the moment. Will see..

2003-12-06T20:13:00.000+08:00

Cash and Kill
by Cyrill Mozard

We are screwed from every angle
Thank God for not having given us more than one asshole
God is a substration for having done too much
I will stop believing in God when I see him

Evolution is proof that God is:
a. Infinetely patient
b. Extremely lazy
c. Incredibly slow
d. Ultimately undeciesive

My observation on the state of affairs of this world has become an excuse as well as a state of being for my inaction
If u do not understand what right is
you are then proving the enemy right, therefore it makes u not worth living
The test of all endurances is to still be around after having lost all the battle of every war
It was the gun that pulled the trigger
The worth of anything is what left on the battlefield

2003-12-06T20:04:00.000+08:00

9 glasses of champs, 2 packets of ciggies, 2 chicks on the dance floor, spin spin spin, vomit, passed out and Ko Pangan I'm heading.

2003-12-04T21:22:00.000+08:00

'Drink up baby, stay up all night
The things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be, that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make

Drink up baby with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
Do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head'

The song stuck in my head for days, I heard it when I took a night walk, when I lied on bed, when I got drunk and even when I took a crap. As if, he knew how I felt. I was, I still am, on the verge of throwing up from the whole boring routine one can possibly attached to. I need something new, something exciting, something that can make me goes "Bitching!!"

Last night, I got pissed drunk for 'God knows how may times'. The cheap wine really kicked in, especially when you combine it with empty tummy. It's the first time I started drinking when the sun is still up since ages. I felt great. Alcohol always relaxes me, without fail.

Anyway, few hours later, I still continued sipping my drinks, only now I was amongst the 'Muscle Maries' and the 'Banci Salon'. The view and the attitude bored me so I started hitting the empty dance floor, with a ciggie on my right and booze on my left. The dance floor felt so cold. The ray of lights made me dizzy, the music began to hurt my ears. I could sensed all eyes staring at me. Stares so sharp it cuts my self-esteem. I closed my eyes and forced myself to keep on moving my legs, my limbs, my whole body, trying to ignore them. Suddenly, the music faded and I heard some familiar voice appearing.

'Drink up baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you
There with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
Where I like you the best and keep things you forgot'

Suddenly I can sense a body moving besides me, I open my eyes unwillingly and a white guy with familiar look smiling at me. Elliot!! Fuck no. It's my ex, Mattie.

"Hey babe, how are you?" he said.
I smiled and offered him my drink and closed my eyes back.

"Drink up baby stay up all night, the things you could do, you won't but you might..."
He began to sing along with me.
"It's so sad isn't it?" he cut suddenly.
I was kinda upset.
"What's so sad?"
"Elliot!"
"What about Elliot?"
"He killed himself, don't you know that?"
"What?? You kidding me, aren't you?"
"It was on the news few weeks ago. He stabbed himself on the chest."
After that, everything kinda swirled and moved around.
Then, blank.
Blank.
Still blank.

"You know I miss you..."

"Huh? What?"
Big pause.
"Up yours, Matt!"
Another pause.

Then I felt my arms being pulled away. It was Lola.
"Let's go home dear."
So I followed her.

'People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still'

2003-11-21T21:56:00.000+08:00

I'm here in attempt to restore my boring pathetic life at the moment. I'm not here to show how sophisticated, educated and talented I am as an individual. In fact, I can't write shit (I don't need this to realise it). But at least, it is something that can keep me busy and excited with (I hope). I've tried the 'Duff Duff' scene, the internet 'Lonely Heart' column, the sleazy 'Lick My Armpit' chatroom in attempt to kill times and meet more people. None of them seem to work.

So here I am, having too much coffee and cigarrettes and start joining this 'wasting time' blog thingy. I choose this over those sleepless night I had with stacks of pirated VCDs and DVDs or crap 'No nightmare, please' local cable TV programmes.
If you happen to stop over this blog and feel like browsing through it, I thank you. If you find some of the stuffs here offend you deeply and actually take times to complain, then you should thank me for giving you a chance to kill times and make yourself feel good after all the efforts you put.

p.s. I think by this time you guys should realise that I'm in fact a cynical dickhead and I suck as well :)